For as long as I can remember, life was always good. I never experienced any huge tragedies, I grew up in a fantastic, stable home and received a good education. When I was ready to leave home, I met and married a wonderful man, we got a house and we lived happily ever after. Well almost.
I grew up as a Christian, and although in my teen/young adult years, I slipped away, God was waiting at the other side to forgive and forget, and life continued. Although I never thought this way, in my heart it felt like nothing life-threatening would ever happen to me. I would live an average, healthy life, make a family and die at a ripe old age.
Of course, I don’t think this is the plan God has for our lives. When we’re comfortable, and everything goes our way, we tend to become ‘lukewarm Christians’ and there’s nothing amazing about that. For a God who saves and changes lives with power, there is no way this is his plan for us, and I learnt this the hard way.
About a year and a half ago, Bryan and I decided to start trying for a baby. I honestly thought it would be the easiest thing in the world and that we’d be pregnant in no time. And it is one of the easiest things in the world – you just have to look around at all the babies and pregnant women plaguing the malls to know how easy it is. Our friends and family are falling pregnant left, right and center, some without even trying. So as you can imagine after 3, 6, 12 unsuccessful months later, I was beginning to stress. Actually, that’s an understatement… I became depressed, my faith in God suffered and I allowed all sorts of lies to rule my life and beliefs.
Eventually, we went to a fertility clinic, and it cost us R6,000 just to learn that we simply cannot have children naturally. This was crushing news, and came from an insensitive doctor who didn’t seem to care about the couple who had no money.
We both need expensive treatments/operations to try increase our chances of falling pregnant… The last year and a half has been a painful, uphill battle that never seems to end, and now they want us to spend thousands on treatments that may not work. We decided not to pursue it.
Instead, I am trying to take a step back and renew my hope and faith in God, and take rest in Him alone. This entire time I feel like we’ve been trying to force it and do things in my own strength – and then wonder why things don’t turn out! I forget so easily why we need our Creator so badly.
For so long after failing to conceive, I believed I didn’t deserve to have a baby, that it wasn’t what God wanted for my life – and it hurt like hell. I then heard 2 scriptures one morning from a clip my mom sent me that said “Delight in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart. For it is I who gave you those desires” (Psalm 37:4, Phil 2:13). For the first time, I realised God gave me the desire to have children, and he would give that to me in His time. I was suddenly set free from this lie…
So for now, I am sitting back and recommitting my life and hopes to God. We are leaving all the ‘doors’ open and trusting God to show is where to go. He has blessed us with a heart for adoption, so we have applied and will try wait patiently, and I guess we’ll keep trying too. Only God can radically change our lives, and in that, we will be blessed.